So there I was, enjoying my spring break, when my family decided to go to the beach.  Now, for those that don’t know, my husband who is not normally vain has one teenie-weenie issue that bothers him–and thank God it’s not a teenie weenie!

There happens to be a small thatch of hair on his lower back that juts out over the swim trunks.  It’s blond and just a little furry…and in my most sensitive voice I refer to them as “back pubes” and I have no idea why that would make him sensitive–but I digress.

So in my most casual voice I asked him very nicely if he would like me to wax them off…and I must have sounded like I was asking him if he wanted a lollipop or an romp in the sack because he AGREED!

I have never had so much fun in my life–which is sort of a sad dictate on the state of things here–as saying, “Okay, are you ready? One, two, three, riPPPPP!”  It was glorious. What made it better were the giggles of my daughter outside the door asking if she could come in and see what Mommy was laughing so much at and if she could have fun with Daddy too.

I told her she’d have to wait for her own Daddy to do it to.

There is a happy ending to the story though.   His new Brazilian-style back looks smashing.

Type furiously to the Blogger’s Choice Awards and vote for my bff Crissy, of www.crissyspage.com, as Hottest Mommy Blogger!

I wish I could say that this was an altruistic, bff move, but I am also promoting a contest that stooge created at www.stoogepie.com.

If you vote, and I vote, then we can win UNBELIEVABLE prizes–sort of like the old Wheel of Fortune–”Look at ALL these FABULOUS prizes!”  And he means it because it’s like full of camcorders and awesome technology…not a life-size porcelain dog or ugly couch set to be found.

Actually, don’t vote, then my odds are better!  Go right away!

Hooray! It’s Friday!

I thought I would end the week with a few thoughts on Father’s Day.

First, let me start by saying that I had an EXCELLENT Mother’s Day, complete with breakfast in bed, new swimsuit, manicure/pedicure and, most important, SHOES!

So I find myself in a quandary as I try to decide what to do for The Boy who is such a Prince sometimes.

I think that while I would love to give my husband lots of presents, new clothes, cologne, a Wii, etc., he may want something different.

I think that in my attempt to do something to please me–therefore increasing The Boy’s chance for all things sexual–that truly if I give him 2 things that cost nothing he will be much happier.

1. a visit from the BJ Fairy
2. a moment of silence

This thought came to me in a 3am sleep deprivation session.

This is when I have my most brilliant moments, but I may be way off this time.

Let’s face it, once married, #1 seems to fade away as things like laundry, childcare, and blog writing, oh hell, ANYTHING takes precedence.

As for #2, well, I just never shut up. I can’t help it, I’m a talker. Maybe he doesn’t like that. I don’t know because I have never stopped talking (about important stuff) to find out if he would rather me write him a note.

Or just shut up full-stop.

So I leave it to cyberspace to decide if I have finally seen the light, or if my behind needs to get out of my chair and get to the store for some delicious Aqua de Gio and make Father’s Day about who’s truly important….

me.

That’s right.

I said it.

Hannah Montana, Disney’s answer to the ‘tween scene, is a big fat rip off of JEM.

Memba her?

She and her buddies were school girls by day–rockin’ out at night!

And apparently she still has a huge following.

She’s sort of like a Buffy before there ever was a Buffy. You can write fan fiction, role play, listen to her cool tunes…I’m not sure this is cool, but who knew there were collectors and people writing fan fiction about a cartoon’s life?!

I am so tired of rip-offs, I just thought I would call Disney out on this once and for all.

And hope that I get to keep my pants when they sue me!

So that’s all for this Friday, Internets. Have a great weekend and I will be working on the funny for next week.

In case you didn’t know, The Boy is very into Paintballing these days with all his friends. As such, they have the very important task of naming their “team” so as to dominate successfully in the wilds of the courses they plunder.

The following is an excerpt of our emails…just because they made me laugh.

Subject: dum dum….gum gum!

Hi-no real reason for the title…just thought you would smile.

And so, what was the thought on Team Lovegun? I am definitely going to blog about it. No matter what the name is, that’s what I am calling all of you.

Wouldn’t it be funny if you all went out in KISS makeup one day in your commando gear?

Wicked. Funny.

Other names that I thought of:
The AssHats
High School Heroes
Bad Motherfuckers (complete with wallets)
Pretty Fly for Some White Guys (complete with song)
The Fucktards (complete with short bus)
The Sweathogs (complete with TV show)
Nanotards (because there are 9 of you)
Top Guns (I will personally embroider patches of your “call names” if chosen, and there is to be no fighting over Ice Man.)

That is all…just feeling silly~~off to shower now!

Me

From The Boy:

Okay, now that I’ve had more time to digest some of this message a bit more, I have developed a response to every single item not titled “Top Gun” (which has previously been spoken for…)

The AssHats – Interstingly enough this may be an appropriate name for those of us trying not to get shot in the ass.

High School Heroes – Rhymes with zeroes, Enough Said! Besides, I’m pretty sure not all of our group were heroes in high school (insert EverQuest/Dungeons & Dragons loser joke here…)

Bad Motherfuckers – BMF’s is actually a strong entry and if you want to supply the wallets, I’m in.

Pretty Fly For Some White Guys – I’m sure we’d run into some copyright issues here with this one, because really, what has The Offspring produced recently to pay the bills for all stints in rehab, lawsuits from groupies, and treatments for STD’s?

The Fucktards – Okay really! What are we, in junior high or something? (Oh, wait. We’re a bunch of grown men shooting 200 mph balls of paint at one another… Nevermind.)

The Sweathogs – Insert Travolta “Oh MY GOD” or gratuitous Gabe Kaplan “Porn Stash” reference here…

Nanotards – Actually Nano refers to something very small (one billionth the size) – insert gratuitous penile size joke here…You were probably thinking of the prefix “non” which refers to nine (i.e. nonagon – a nine sided figure).

Just Saying!

Love,
Me

ps-they eventually decided on The DAWG’s (Dumb Asses With Guns) in case you were wondering! They. Are. Cool.

okay…umm, I have to apologize for my lack of diligence in keeping up appearances around here.  Life has taken an unexpected busy turn and when given the choice between sleep and blogging, sleep will win every time.

And so, for now I am taking a break.

I will write again as soon as I am not busy 20 hours of each day….

I promise.

In the meantime, let me know which of my former entries you liked the best!

Enter Carly Simon song “New Jerusalem”….Let the river run….

Okay, so for those that don’t know, I have recently acquired a new J-O-B.

And so, I am now dealing with the public WAY more and will be providing a whole new commentary on why I hate love people, and all the ways they can suck it that they add meaning to my life.

So I apologize if my blogging has been slow, I am not used to being up past 9pm and now am up until midnight on a regular basis. I feel like the guy in “Fight Club” when he is in front of the copier and talking about insomnia…I’m here, but I’m not at the same time.

On the upside, I’m so busy that I am forgetting to eat AND my liver is ecstatic because it is getting a minute to breath on it’s own.

So that’s all that’s fit to print here….once I get some sleep I’ll have a lot to say about everything once again….

So there I was, minding my own business, clipping coupons and fantasizing about how many women would want to be me this week as my long my register tape kept spilling over with grocery savings and I would pay $.03 for $264 in purchases at the grocery store, drinking iced tea and having lovely adult conversation on a random Monday afternoon…

The Dainty Flower and her BFF were outside playing and we (other Mommy included–not referring to myself in plural…anymore) thought it would be fun to give them a bucket and let them water the flowers.

The quiet play, the very cute watering, it was bliss.

Then it got REAL quiet.

Dangerous quiet.

A peer out the window by Mommy yielded a visual of the dainty flower peering from behind a large tree saying, “Your Mom’s coming!” in the frantic tone of a 4 year old with her hand stuck in a cookie jar.

We abruptly hoisted ourselves (insert crashing dish noise here) out of our fantasy world where 4 year olds can take care of themselves and we can luxuriate eating lunch, clipping coupons, and having a lovely glass of iced tea without worry.

And so, here’s what’s up when we get there:

The Dainty Flower is wet all over her legs.

BFF is pulling up her pants.

The bucket is now refilled with interesting liquid.

……………………………………………………….*sigh*……………………………………………………..

It is true.

They were peeing into the bucket.

In the backyard.

That faces all the neighbors.

Except apparently my daughter has bad aim.

We either need charm school or target practice around here…

Did you ever get the feeling that even though life is going well and you are very blessed, (insert blah, blah, blah here)  that you are merely on the cusp of greatness–like the donkey that can never quite rrrreeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaccccccchhhhh the carrot?!

ugh.

I am sending out every vibe I can think of to improve my karma–living in moderation (that means hunger for those not in the know), thinking positively, not laughing at other people (openly)….and yet, my goals remain in the perpetual light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry for so many cliches.

I suppose it is better to be on the cusp of greatness than the cusp of failure…but they’re starting to feel like the same place.

I guess this is what purgatory feels like.

So here I am, the last day of my vacation.  I am feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to tackle life again.  I am thankful for all my friends and family who made this trip wonderful and unforgettable and excited to head back to my dainty flower for a snuggle, a kiss, and possibly a good book…

life is good.

ps–looking forward to seeing the boy too!