And so, as PMS ravages my body with a blazing fury of 1000 suns, I decided on a little Monday morning catharsis.

Because as me n’ my friends will attest to, “If you have nothing nice to say…come sit with us!”

Here is a top 10 of my favorite customers from the eatery, in no particular order:

1. To the guy who can’t open his mouth to order because his “grill” might fall out: Baby Jesus designed you to have your own teeth Idiot…please take your “Hustle & Flow” elsewhere.

2. To the woman in the high to the side ponytail complete with metallic scrunchy: Tonight we’re serving a side of the NEW MILLENIUM. Please look at Vogue and know that you look like a lop-sided unicorn from 1987.

3. To the 60+ woman wearing BEBE in rhinestones across your rear with a silver sequined tank top: No words…trying to put my eyes back into my head.

4. To the old man who thinks that because he tells me he “tips well” he can treat me like s%&!: You are a bastard and I hope you choke.

5. To the family that refuses to speak a word of English: I sing you the National Anthem…please remember WHAT COUNTRY YOU ARE IN!

6. To the people that refuse to tip more than 10%: Please just stay home.

7. To the woman in the lavender unitard, complete with pleats all the way around the princess waist, with strappy white sandals, and platinum hair down to your waist at 72: Thank you. You are a tribute to 1982 for all of us.

8. To the parents who think their child crawling around is “so cute”: It. Is. Not.

9. To my manager, who thinks that posting letters from customers around the kitchen about the great job he did makes us think more of you: It only confirms the douche we know you are.

10. And finally, to the servers who think that I am “cool for my age” & a “cougar” at the ripe old age of 34: Thank you. A woman in her prime should not go unnoticed.

in no particular order…

1. 22 year olds who think that power trips are cool and insist on trying to control me…about dishware no less.

2. News about the democraps democrats still duking it out…just pick one already! A monkey could be better than McCain!

3. And have you seen Obama’s crazy-ass preacher?!

4. Britney Spears comeback–I mean the one day she pulls her shit together to ACT–too bad she can’t pull it together to be a MOM. I’m sure her sons will really appreciate her skills one day.

5. People who brag about how much they can eat–just saying that made me gain weight.

6. I got rid of my DVR and can’t remember when any good shows are on so I end up watching the freakin’ Food Network 24/7. I’m actually sick of looking at butter–who knew that could happen?

7. Getting papercuts on my tongue from licking envelopes…apparently the horror stories of rat poop and the extra 10 calories it takes to seal an envelope aren’t enough to dissuade me so I buy the ready-seals…

8. The Dainty Flower grabbing my girls, twisting them with ninja-like force, and saying, “What are these?” She now thinks they’re called, “OW!’s” btw.

9. Play-Doh…in my carpet, daughter’s hair, oh my God it’s everywhere.

10. Reading Dr. Seuss all the time, so soon you start to talk in rhyme.

or, Why I sit alone at the movies.

1. Meet Joe Black–is there anything more laughter inspiring than Brad Pitt being hit by a bus? I wore out my VHS tape rewinding that scene! That’s just good entertainment.

2. The 6th Sense: “Don’t tell me it tastes funny. You know mommy doesn’t like that.”–Nothing says home cookin’ like a little Drano Surprise!

3. Pulp Fiction–I love when that guy gets shot “by accident” in the back of the car…it makes me laugh every time when the blood hits Travolta in the face.

4. Willy Wonka (the new one)–”If you leave now, don’t expect me to be here when you get back.”–Not only is the father gone…but the ENTIRE ROW HOUSE is missing! I couldn’t believe no one else got the joke!

5. The Cell–I LOVE when Vincent D’Onofrio is hoisting up intestines via crank system…I can’t imagine why was I the only one laughing…

6. Silence of the Lambs–”It rubs the lotion on its’ skin…or else it gets the hose again. That’s right Precious it will get the hose! (Ruff!)”–classic.

7. Hannibal–I horrified audiences when I laughed out loud when Anthony Hopkins ate brains out of Ray Liotta’s head…not a crowd pleaser.

8. Hannibal–Again? I know, but I just COULDN’T BELIEVE my eyes when he fed the face to the dogs…laughter so innapropriate…

9. Brokeback Mountain–seriously, I thought all those “sticky fumblings” in the tent were going to make me pee my pants. I’ve heard better noises in a Porky’s movie…”I can’t quit you”–didn’t he sound just like Billy Bob Thorton in Switchblade? “I like the way YOU talk…”

10. Finally, I would love to give a shout-out to ANY movie where Betty White uses profanity or racial slurs. It’s like listening to my Grandma every time and I just can’t wrap my head around it…so I laugh.

I would just like to take a minute to provide a disclaimer….this one’s not for the faint of heart.

I have been “researching” (this means asking about 5 people), and it seems that there are a ridiculous amount of terms for a vagina, and frankly, my Girl is upset about most of them. Here are my findings, in no specific order:

1. Vagina

2. The Girl

3. Va-J-J

4. Bug

5. Roast Beef Curtains

6. Tuna Wookie (personal nod to Kristen for this one!)

7. Hatchet Wound (thanks to The Boy)

8. Vertical Smile

9. Pussy

10. Beaver

11. Box

12. Nether Regions

13. Carpet

14. Bearded Clam

15. Puntang

16. Punanni

17. The “C” word

18. The Notorious V-A-G (obviously a shout out to a bad one night stand)

19. Nappy Dugout

20. Down Belows

21. Noonie (thank GOD we have the Woomba to take care of it!)

22. Lady Parts

23. Who-Who

24. Privates

25. Pee-Pee

Feel free to tell me what I missed.

How is it remotely possible that people find it embarrassing to say vagina when there are animal and food names being used instead?

And contrary to popular notion, there are no parts of my body that have an exoskeleton or look like a cat….in fact there is nothing resembling teeth at all down there.

As for The Girl, she would prefer that everyone cease to use all food references.

Immediately.

Let’s just get it together and put the corresponding name with the corresponding body part and call it a day.

I know that my Girl will be a whole lot happier for it.

1. Why can’t the hair on my head grow as fast as the hair on my legs?

2. Why wasn’t I born independently wealthy?

3. Why is it that thin people were given speedy metabolisms?

4. Why does it seem like your family is always nuts, but you aren’t?

5. Why does anyone care about Britney Spears?

6. Why does my daughter think that poking me in the head is an appropriate way to wake me up?

7. If “Mother knows best”, does that now mean me?

8. Why are the elderly given drivers’ licenses if they can’t see over the steering wheel?

9. And if they can’t even see, then how do they know the EXACT moment to cut me off?!

10. Who coined the phrase, “It must be noon somewhere”? And why couldn’t they have said 9am?

Is it just me, or are there others out there in cyberspace WITHOUT any tattoos? Please make yourself known!

Good Grief.

Here are some of my personal, south of the Bible Belt, favorites:

1. A pair of legs with red high heels–one on the inner arm, one down the body, all leading to some idiot’s hairy armpit…….nice. Can’t you just hear “Sweet Home Alabama” in the background?

2. Picture it: White Guy, both calves, WHITE on one, POWER on the other…as a sidenote, his ASIAN wife walking proudly beside him wearing a strip club tee-shirt and his daughter was a beautiful blend of the 2 morons……there are so many people that want babies, yet these a$%*&!@’s have no problem pro-creating…hmm, because of the irony of the situation, does that make them oxymorons?

3. Looney Tunes……why do people seem to think that Yosemite Sam, the Tasmanian Devil, or Tweety Bird belong on their body forever?

4. Disney Characters……no word of a lie, I JUST saw a 6-8 diameter Holiday Wreath, on yet another calf, with Mickey, Minnie, Donald, & Pluto wishing Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas FOREVER. Maybe it’s a Florida thing.

5. Spiderweb Elbows & Teardrops…..I know that some fool will probably come after me on this one, but SERIOUSLY?!

6. Panthers, with claws, crawling up arms and legs…..ring, ring, clue phone–no one buys this s*&$ for a minute AND it looks like crap.

7. Profanity on your arm or knuckles forever…..I guess the upside is that it is usually spelled correctly.

8. Skulls with vampire teeth and other hellish icons…..perfect for holding your sweet baby in christening photos.

9. Your NAME…..are you honestly so dumb that you need a permanent “Hello, My Name Is” on your BODY?!

10. The tramp stamp…..how many of these uninteresting smears am I going to have to look at–only bettered when accompanied by a whale-tale thong popping out under your muffin top.

I know that there are more fine specimens–feel free to comment and enlighten me.

Maybe I’m in a mood today, but seriously–take a picture and build a scrapbook of memories to keep at home. I don’t care that you’re “Born to be Wild” or that you want snakes coming out of eye sockets in skulls on your arm to be the 1st impression of you. If you need to remember names, keep an address book on you or check your cell phone.

While shows like LA Ink might be fun to watch for the freak factor and, to be honest, the talent of the artists, I find the majority of ink on the everyday individual to be mundane and mainstream–and isn’t that the opposite of what it’s supposed to be?

And don’t even get me started on the pathology of the pain of the needle associated with a “Good Memory”…..

Maybe I’m completely wrong.

Maybe my NOT having any tatt’s means I have commitment issues because I can’t think of one picture I want on my body forever.

Maybe I’m just afraid that today’s Betty Boop will be tomorrow’s Betty Droop.

Maybe I’m the freak here……but maybe I’m not.

or, Things that are cute when you are little, that are NOT when you are a grown up.

1. Chewing with your mouth open to “show” me (with an emphatic, “SEE!”) that you are, in fact, eating your dinner.

2. Throwing yourself on the floor of the library screaming and crying– we call it “The Flop”–when disappointed that your favorite movie or book has been taken out.

3. Wetting your pants. (“I just had a little leak Mommy.”)

4. Jumping knees first onto Daddy’s tummy, and landing a little bit lower….

5. Ripping one in the bathtub and looking back to wonder where it came from–then laughing hysterically and proudly announcing it to everyone.

6. Pooping so big you HAVE to bring in your friends and parents to see.

7. A stranger compliments how cute you are, and you promptly reply, “I know.”

8. Eating a Ghiradelli Hot Fudge Sundae with such gusto that you need to put the spoon down and use your hands–smearing your entire body in the process.

9. Someone gives you bad news and you feel compelled to crawl under the nearest chair and shout, “No! No! No! I will NEVER do it! NE-VA!”

10. You see your Daddy getting dressed, and as he bends down to put his first leg into his boxers, you run up behind him, grab his dangly bits and proudly yell, “Daddy’s got a TAIL!”

1. The Ladies Room. Whatever those “ladies” do in there I want no part of.

2. 5 million people work in the mall–where is the one with the fitting room key?!

3. If you can actually get into a fitting room (see #2), why does “helping” mean shouting, “Oh, do you need a bigger size?” in a decibel so loud that you have to peek to make sure that there isn’t a crowd gathered outside your dressing room (undoubtedly paying their quarters, eating popcorn and candy apples) to see the sideshow “Fat Lady”.

4. Trying on a sweater that has taken on new usefulness as a sponge…and now you smell like someone else’s hygiene issue.

5. Realization: You are now 30 and are in the fashion void between Forever 21 and Holiday Applique Sweaters.

6. Further case for depression: Even if you could shop at Forever 21, you can’t tell the shirts from the dresses anyway–run out of store in humiliation as can’t bear to ask 16 year old which to wear with tights or leggings…if they need them at all.

7. Kiosks selling stupid crap. My favorite new item at said vendors is gold teeth….silly me, I thought you needed a dentist to hook up your “grill”!

8. Simply stated: All children wearing “heely’s” (stupid sneakers with roller skate wheels) need to be tripped. Immediately.

9. And let it be known, that if one more person bumps into me and does not say, “Excuse me” I am going to start carrying a piping hot Starbucks around just so I can throw it at them and NOT say “Sorry”.

10. Finally, I would like to take the time to make a public service announcement. If you and “Your Baby Daddy” feel the need to traipse through the mall, could you please not be obviously looking for your next pimp or ho–they can see you doing it and they’re not THAT stupid! And if you still can’t control yourself, would you all please get the F&*$ out of my way so I can get to Starbucks before you bump into me!

1. I have to put down my glass of wine.

2. Apparently I now have 2 obsolete wardrobes as spandex is no longer acceptable gear.

3. Cheerful instructors who joyfully announce after the “warm up” (as you, the sweaty pig, attempt to drink water to avoid passing out), “Okay, now we can start!”

4. The fact that my previous night’s debauchery, aka Happy Hour (see #1), starts sweating out of my pores for no reason and everyone stares at me funny.

5. The fact that I have to withstand aforementioned staring, in horribly out of date, mismatched wardrobe (see #2), while looking through my crotch as I bend into position to “warm up.”

6. If attempting at home to avoid previously mentioned humiliation, watching my 4 year old move fluidly while I struggle to get my 2nd stomach out of the way…pranayama to yo’ mama!

7. The instructor, on video or up close and personal, reminds you to breathe (and as you are so intent on NOT looking like a schmuck)–you actually NEED the reminder!

8. Why does anything that gets me “in perfect alignment” have downside of producing the loudest farts?

9. Please explain how balancing on my hands improves my life? Am I trying out for the circus?

10.”Lowering to chatarunga” is actually coherent jargon and not something pornographic.

And, as a 1st time blogging bonus….

11. Vaginal sweat?! Mmmm, attractive!

Namaste!