Okay, I am back from hiatus. Mostly due to the fact that my BFF Crissy has me “guest-blogging” (so go check me out there!) for her while she is waking up with a hangover attempting to get a tan (instead of her period) on vay-kay. At least I am not jealous. That’s the kind of good friend I am.

And so, you may or may not know that in an attempt to save some Benjamins I presently have a part-time gig in a “polished casual” (their term…for real) restaurant. The funny thing is that I find myself the OLDEST server in the establishment–which is beyond comprehensible and has me sometimes drunk in the corner sobbing wondering exactly how my life is really turning out…but I digress.

Have you hung around 20-something guys lately? I’m not sure it’s any different than hanging around with your average pre-adolescent boy, only minus Drakkar/Polo Sport and add the Aqua de Gio (which actually makes me want to lick them because that aroma just makes me want to do that), with more body hair and possibly a driver’s license.

Here’s the thing. I spent just about the whole of my 20’s in an attempt to impress the aforementioned. When we all were playing it cool and going out for “girl’s night” you know that my attempts to pick the right outfit, have the right hair, shave everything, was definitely not to impress my bff. No, for me, the best night ever would be the night that I casually strolled in with my gf’s and found my prince waiting for me in full view of the gf’s.

As you can probably guess I was GREAT at dating…but that’s a whole different story.

So how do my 20’s compare to the boys of today–and where is my point?

I’m glad you asked.

Now that I am fully invested in my 30’s (and totally in my prime), I am looking at these dudes and thinking…WTF was I trying to impress?

Want to know what impresses them?

Let me show you.

This actually made a few of them “rethink their life” and they could not believe that such a miracle existed and that they hadn’t thought of it before, and “HOW MUCH TIME HAVE I WASTED NOT DOING THIS?!” (complete with head in hands for emphasis).

Yes, making BONER on a dollar bill is what had every guy agog. (And if any of you boys are thinking “that’s AWESOME” shame on you too.)

What troubles me most is that once upon a time I let these same idiots put their you know what’s, you know where (I would say, but I am much too virginal), and if BONER is what impresses them then I don’t know what I was thinking.

Ironically, if I had known this then, I probably would have shaved BONER into my pubes just to be the most popular girl in school…

Note to Self: In next life do NOT try to impress boys, EVER. And if at all possible, be a lesbian.