Hooray! It’s Friday!

I thought I would end the week with a few thoughts on Father’s Day.

First, let me start by saying that I had an EXCELLENT Mother’s Day, complete with breakfast in bed, new swimsuit, manicure/pedicure and, most important, SHOES!

So I find myself in a quandary as I try to decide what to do for The Boy who is such a Prince sometimes.

I think that while I would love to give my husband lots of presents, new clothes, cologne, a Wii, etc., he may want something different.

I think that in my attempt to do something to please me–therefore increasing The Boy’s chance for all things sexual–that truly if I give him 2 things that cost nothing he will be much happier.

1. a visit from the BJ Fairy
2. a moment of silence

This thought came to me in a 3am sleep deprivation session.

This is when I have my most brilliant moments, but I may be way off this time.

Let’s face it, once married, #1 seems to fade away as things like laundry, childcare, and blog writing, oh hell, ANYTHING takes precedence.

As for #2, well, I just never shut up. I can’t help it, I’m a talker. Maybe he doesn’t like that. I don’t know because I have never stopped talking (about important stuff) to find out if he would rather me write him a note.

Or just shut up full-stop.

So I leave it to cyberspace to decide if I have finally seen the light, or if my behind needs to get out of my chair and get to the store for some delicious Aqua de Gio and make Father’s Day about who’s truly important….

me.

Okay, I know I promised to reveal all that is “Frenemy” in my life today, but something came up.

We were at dinner and I was showing the boys at the table my friend Crissy’s blog, because in it she had a “Nut Bra” video from You Tube and it was actually relevant to a conversation that we were having regarding what happens AFTER some surgeries and not to divulge too much, but SOMEONE, we’ll call him “Moe”, was revealing A LOT over a couple of wines and some ribs.

Anyway, it made me think of this:

Now besides the fact that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are running around with AXES and eating entire CAKES, and making out with DOGS, the boys thought the best part is that a side effect might be the growth of a 2nd vagina.

Yes.

I could be completely mental with a tail and sporting some Lizzie Borden accessories, but add in a 2nd va-jay-jay, and it’s all cool.

boys. r. dumb.

the answer, in no uncertain terms, is…

NOT NEARLY ENOUGH!

For all of you that know me, the scale is my total Frenemy (a friend/enemy combo). I would link to to the current definition to look all cool, but basically it’s easier to type…prepare for a better explanation tomorrow…but I digress.

I mean, who gains 3 pounds…in ONE DAY?!

And the day before I was eating things like flax and nuts and veggies and all things rabbit-like. (That means like what rabbits eat, NOT the rabbits themselves…relax PETA.)

NOT. FAIR.

And so, today I will lead healthful existence and try to not scare anyone with the amount of gas buildup from the ingestion of so much fiber.

The good news, I am headed to the pool today and can be my own flotation device.

note to self: consult Crissy on how to manage this, as she is a fiber guru.

And so, as PMS ravages my body with a blazing fury of 1000 suns, I decided on a little Monday morning catharsis.

Because as me n’ my friends will attest to, “If you have nothing nice to say…come sit with us!”

Here is a top 10 of my favorite customers from the eatery, in no particular order:

1. To the guy who can’t open his mouth to order because his “grill” might fall out: Baby Jesus designed you to have your own teeth Idiot…please take your “Hustle & Flow” elsewhere.

2. To the woman in the high to the side ponytail complete with metallic scrunchy: Tonight we’re serving a side of the NEW MILLENIUM. Please look at Vogue and know that you look like a lop-sided unicorn from 1987.

3. To the 60+ woman wearing BEBE in rhinestones across your rear with a silver sequined tank top: No words…trying to put my eyes back into my head.

4. To the old man who thinks that because he tells me he “tips well” he can treat me like s%&!: You are a bastard and I hope you choke.

5. To the family that refuses to speak a word of English: I sing you the National Anthem…please remember WHAT COUNTRY YOU ARE IN!

6. To the people that refuse to tip more than 10%: Please just stay home.

7. To the woman in the lavender unitard, complete with pleats all the way around the princess waist, with strappy white sandals, and platinum hair down to your waist at 72: Thank you. You are a tribute to 1982 for all of us.

8. To the parents who think their child crawling around is “so cute”: It. Is. Not.

9. To my manager, who thinks that posting letters from customers around the kitchen about the great job he did makes us think more of you: It only confirms the douche we know you are.

10. And finally, to the servers who think that I am “cool for my age” & a “cougar” at the ripe old age of 34: Thank you. A woman in her prime should not go unnoticed.

That’s right.

I said it.

Hannah Montana, Disney’s answer to the ‘tween scene, is a big fat rip off of JEM.

Memba her?

She and her buddies were school girls by day–rockin’ out at night!

And apparently she still has a huge following.

She’s sort of like a Buffy before there ever was a Buffy. You can write fan fiction, role play, listen to her cool tunes…I’m not sure this is cool, but who knew there were collectors and people writing fan fiction about a cartoon’s life?!

I am so tired of rip-offs, I just thought I would call Disney out on this once and for all.

And hope that I get to keep my pants when they sue me!

So that’s all for this Friday, Internets. Have a great weekend and I will be working on the funny for next week.

In case you didn’t know, The Boy is very into Paintballing these days with all his friends. As such, they have the very important task of naming their “team” so as to dominate successfully in the wilds of the courses they plunder.

The following is an excerpt of our emails…just because they made me laugh.

Subject: dum dum….gum gum!

Hi-no real reason for the title…just thought you would smile.

And so, what was the thought on Team Lovegun? I am definitely going to blog about it. No matter what the name is, that’s what I am calling all of you.

Wouldn’t it be funny if you all went out in KISS makeup one day in your commando gear?

Wicked. Funny.

Other names that I thought of:
The AssHats
High School Heroes
Bad Motherfuckers (complete with wallets)
Pretty Fly for Some White Guys (complete with song)
The Fucktards (complete with short bus)
The Sweathogs (complete with TV show)
Nanotards (because there are 9 of you)
Top Guns (I will personally embroider patches of your “call names” if chosen, and there is to be no fighting over Ice Man.)

That is all…just feeling silly~~off to shower now!

Me

From The Boy:

Okay, now that I’ve had more time to digest some of this message a bit more, I have developed a response to every single item not titled “Top Gun” (which has previously been spoken for…)

The AssHats – Interstingly enough this may be an appropriate name for those of us trying not to get shot in the ass.

High School Heroes – Rhymes with zeroes, Enough Said! Besides, I’m pretty sure not all of our group were heroes in high school (insert EverQuest/Dungeons & Dragons loser joke here…)

Bad Motherfuckers – BMF’s is actually a strong entry and if you want to supply the wallets, I’m in.

Pretty Fly For Some White Guys – I’m sure we’d run into some copyright issues here with this one, because really, what has The Offspring produced recently to pay the bills for all stints in rehab, lawsuits from groupies, and treatments for STD’s?

The Fucktards – Okay really! What are we, in junior high or something? (Oh, wait. We’re a bunch of grown men shooting 200 mph balls of paint at one another… Nevermind.)

The Sweathogs – Insert Travolta “Oh MY GOD” or gratuitous Gabe Kaplan “Porn Stash” reference here…

Nanotards – Actually Nano refers to something very small (one billionth the size) – insert gratuitous penile size joke here…You were probably thinking of the prefix “non” which refers to nine (i.e. nonagon – a nine sided figure).

Just Saying!

Love,
Me

ps-they eventually decided on The DAWG’s (Dumb Asses With Guns) in case you were wondering! They. Are. Cool.

Okay, I am back from hiatus. Mostly due to the fact that my BFF Crissy has me “guest-blogging” (so go check me out there!) for her while she is waking up with a hangover attempting to get a tan (instead of her period) on vay-kay. At least I am not jealous. That’s the kind of good friend I am.

And so, you may or may not know that in an attempt to save some Benjamins I presently have a part-time gig in a “polished casual” (their term…for real) restaurant. The funny thing is that I find myself the OLDEST server in the establishment–which is beyond comprehensible and has me sometimes drunk in the corner sobbing wondering exactly how my life is really turning out…but I digress.

Have you hung around 20-something guys lately? I’m not sure it’s any different than hanging around with your average pre-adolescent boy, only minus Drakkar/Polo Sport and add the Aqua de Gio (which actually makes me want to lick them because that aroma just makes me want to do that), with more body hair and possibly a driver’s license.

Here’s the thing. I spent just about the whole of my 20’s in an attempt to impress the aforementioned. When we all were playing it cool and going out for “girl’s night” you know that my attempts to pick the right outfit, have the right hair, shave everything, was definitely not to impress my bff. No, for me, the best night ever would be the night that I casually strolled in with my gf’s and found my prince waiting for me in full view of the gf’s.

As you can probably guess I was GREAT at dating…but that’s a whole different story.

So how do my 20’s compare to the boys of today–and where is my point?

I’m glad you asked.

Now that I am fully invested in my 30’s (and totally in my prime), I am looking at these dudes and thinking…WTF was I trying to impress?

Want to know what impresses them?

Let me show you.

This actually made a few of them “rethink their life” and they could not believe that such a miracle existed and that they hadn’t thought of it before, and “HOW MUCH TIME HAVE I WASTED NOT DOING THIS?!” (complete with head in hands for emphasis).

Yes, making BONER on a dollar bill is what had every guy agog. (And if any of you boys are thinking “that’s AWESOME” shame on you too.)

What troubles me most is that once upon a time I let these same idiots put their you know what’s, you know where (I would say, but I am much too virginal), and if BONER is what impresses them then I don’t know what I was thinking.

Ironically, if I had known this then, I probably would have shaved BONER into my pubes just to be the most popular girl in school…

Note to Self: In next life do NOT try to impress boys, EVER. And if at all possible, be a lesbian.